Posted on May 20th, 2015
Have you tried Video Games™? They’re amazing. On a whim, I recently bought a used Playstation 3 and a copy of Grand Theft Auto V and, let me tell you, I think I’ve got the rest of my life figured out.
I don’t need to visit Los Angeles, because the fictional city in GTA is based on LA, and it’s immediately and vividly accessible anytime I want.
I no longer aspire to driving a cool car before I’m too old to look hot in it (one of my life goals), because there are a million cool cars that any one of the game’s protagonists can effortlessly break into and hotwire in seconds.
I don’t need to listen to shitty Top 40 radio anymore, because there are like, 16 fake radio stations in GTA that play real music. Yesterday I heard a 2 Chainz song I’d never heard before as I hung out the window of my fictional Ferrari and shot pedestrians.
I still need to eat, but I’m learning how to hold food with one hand and haphazardly pilot my character through back alleys with the other.
I do need to occasionally use the bathroom, but I’ve learned a cool way to pivot the TV so I can still see it from the bathroom.
I know I should text my friend back about what he’s up to tonight, but I just got a “text” on one of my character’s phones in GTA saying that there’s a semi-automatic rifle available at the gun store. Which one would you pick?
I no longer need to go to the pool, because my character in GTA can swim effortlessly all day long.
I no longer need to talk to my parents, because I’m super busy planning jewelry store heists and picking the right “crew.”
I no longer fear death, for lo! I have been resurrected to “retry” anytime my character has been fatally wounded.
I no longer need to go to work, because my character just made $75k on a jewelry heist (see above), and bothersome expenses like “rent” or “food” don’t exist in the game. I can buy an airplane hangar or a sports car or a high-rise, though.
I no longer need to wonder whether I’ll visit a strip club as an adult male, because I have been to a strip club in GTA, and I know that I can use my jewelry heist money towards lap dances if I choose, or I can “turn down” a dancer by merely hitting the triangle button.
I no longer need to wonder where we go when we die, because apparently we teleport to the front entrance of the hospital, a few bucks poorer for being brought back to life.
I no longer need to go on the Internet, except to occasionally Google “how to equip shotgun flashlight.”
I no longer need to worry about the growing disconnect between different economic classes in America, because one of my characters in GTA is from “the streets” and one is rich and they both hang out and seem to be friends.
I no longer need to take showers.
I no longer need to go on Facebook, because most people played GTAV years ago when it first came out and none of them will respond to my frantic messages for tips.
I no longer need to worry about transitioning between the body of an article and the conclusion, because none of my characters received an education past junior high, and they seem to be doing fine.